Wonderin (random stream of thoughts.)


This may take a while so settle back and enjoy the ride-

i haven’t blogged for a while.

I have my reasons. Work has been mostly terrible. feel like i am being kicked around by everyone just now.

in amongst this i have intense moments o clarity and self doubt and loathing. I don’t think i am great.
I don’t think i am terrible.
I think i mostly reach normal.
maybe even over achieve and reach normal.

I guess their is a part of me which always seeks the unachievable.

brilliance, the desolation complete of failure.
I haven’t been punished enough for the crimes i have committed, yet i am not in a good place.

I dunno exactly what can and cannot be said. so I try.
I speak
I listen
I try and be silent.
yet reticence has proved to be no friend.

sometimes i worry.
sometimes i don’t

subconsciously though my mind works, considers and thinks.

I fell over today. my own fault. my knee now hurts.
Yet my reaction was to laugh walk away and ignore the offers of help.
I sometimes people don’t hear me.
my vocabulary becomes prohibitive to people.

should i speak differently to aid communication?
would that even be me?

JD says “change doesn’t mean bad, it just means different.”
Leaving certainty. it makes me sad.

Fight is needed.
A desire to work from all.
Yet how can it be that a desire to work can lead to such frustration and disappointment.

i love this song
Over The Rhine, constantly speak my language.

I hate how things are
I have the suspicion, the disappointment, the crushing feeling of failure, the lack of support.

the kitchen is disappearing. stuff is everywhere.
the house is cold and draughty.

i want so much, more that we have, can ever hope for. more than i deserve.

I need so much.
to exercise
to feel good
to move

this week is good
holiday resting
tearing apart the kitchen – tiring- in a different way.

me
dunno

i need to read more

I want to do better, I want to try Harder. I want to believe, down to the letter.

perhaps I should change.
perhaps that would make life better
perhaps i should be different.

more like those who seem annoyed i am not different.

i seek to be more like those i know i cannot be like.

more like Helen.
as vivacious as Louise
as cool as Sarah b
as comfortable as Carolann
as fit as rich
as friendly as Fraser.
as funny as Jackie
as excitable as Sarah z.
alot like other people i like, peter, nick, Susan, Sarah c, Denise, Simon, Alice, Jenn, Cat, Alison.

perhaps i should realise i am who i am.
i know who i am.
distracted. i wander.
trying to concentrate and failing miserably.

perhaps I need a rest.
perhaps.

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