i haven’t blogged for a while.
I have my reasons. Work has been mostly terrible. feel like i am being kicked around by everyone just now.
in amongst this i have intense moments o clarity and self doubt and loathing. I don’t think i am great.
I don’t think i am terrible.
I think i mostly reach normal.
maybe even over achieve and reach normal.
I guess their is a part of me which always seeks the unachievable.
brilliance, the desolation complete of failure.
I haven’t been punished enough for the crimes i have committed, yet i am not in a good place.
I dunno exactly what can and cannot be said. so I try.
I try and be silent.
yet reticence has proved to be no friend.
sometimes i worry.
sometimes i don’t
subconsciously though my mind works, considers and thinks.
I fell over today. my own fault. my knee now hurts.
Yet my reaction was to laugh walk away and ignore the offers of help.
I sometimes people don’t hear me.
my vocabulary becomes prohibitive to people.
should i speak differently to aid communication?
would that even be me?
JD says “change doesn’t mean bad, it just means different.”
Leaving certainty. it makes me sad.
Fight is needed.
A desire to work from all.
Yet how can it be that a desire to work can lead to such frustration and disappointment.
i love this song
Over The Rhine, constantly speak my language.
I hate how things are
I have the suspicion, the disappointment, the crushing feeling of failure, the lack of support.
the kitchen is disappearing. stuff is everywhere.
the house is cold and draughty.
i want so much, more that we have, can ever hope for. more than i deserve.
I need so much.
to feel good
this week is good
tearing apart the kitchen – tiring- in a different way.
i need to read more
I want to do better, I want to try Harder. I want to believe, down to the letter.
perhaps I should change.
perhaps that would make life better
perhaps i should be different.
more like those who seem annoyed i am not different.
i seek to be more like those i know i cannot be like.
more like Helen.
as vivacious as Louise
as cool as Sarah b
as comfortable as Carolann
as fit as rich
as friendly as Fraser.
as funny as Jackie
as excitable as Sarah z.
alot like other people i like, peter, nick, Susan, Sarah c, Denise, Simon, Alice, Jenn, Cat, Alison.
perhaps i should realise i am who i am.
i know who i am.
distracted. i wander.
trying to concentrate and failing miserably.
perhaps I need a rest.