Shaken and Stirred

I never live with balance
I always wake up nervous
Light comes at me sideways
I hold my breath forever
I never live with balance
Though I’ve always liked the notion
I feel that endless hunger
For energy and motion

Open

[open by Bruce Cockburn]

The last couple of weeks were bummers.

two weeks ago I found out that a couple of young people I had known for a while were expecting a baby. They weren’t getting married but were having the baby. Nice news new life. Perhaps not the ideal situation but good news, new life. I asked when the child was due. By counting back the dates I found out that there is a very strong possibility that the baby was conceived at a youth weekend I was leading.

Rich joked well at least the child will be blessed!

Last week at Carberry a youthworker with a different style came in and ran one of the groups. Good. Change is as good as a holiday. He was successful and 16 young people decided to become serious about Christianity. They enjoyed the sessions and he got huge numbers. Up to 40 one evening.

I know I shouldn’t compare numbers but frankly I do.

I know I had a part to play in he work I have already done with those young people. (I think I had previously worked with 10 of the young people). In my group one young person decided to turn his life over to getting to know Jesus.

Then Carberry leaders decided to think about asking the other youth worker to do the reunion weekend with perhaps me working with him. That was hard to see. I understand why. I mean with the baby and stuff perhaps December is to soon. But I think that for me I take it as a personal your not as good as him type statement.

the reaction of the young people was good to see, but hard. Why not me. Why not while I was working with them. I am not sure about the predestination thing. My interpretation of a time to reap and a time to sow is quite a long period.

Perhaps I am annoyed because I work where it is hard. I do a lot of sowing. Carberry had been my get away. My space to perhaps move from sowing to reaping, cultivating, growing.

It just knocks you.
I know I am a good worker.
I know have done some quality work at carberry with lots of young people.
But to be at the party but not invited to the VIP room was kind hard to take.

I was immensely happy when the guy in my group decided to get to know God.

But I still doubt myself and what I do.
I doubt if I am any good at all.

Yes I know it’s silly but this self doubt and questioning is a part of me I deal with often.

Security is not what I am after.
I want to be open to the possibility.
I want to care correctly.
I want to love extravigantly
I want to…

I never live with balance,
although I like the notion.